I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
