I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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