Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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