he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
