hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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