Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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