He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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