Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
