Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize