I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Please don't give away my fajitas
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
