you guys were way drunker than both of me
accomplished twins. life is a go
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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