Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
