last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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