OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
