He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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