so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
