Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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