My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
