im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
this just has baby written all over it
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Those nachos came to me in a dream
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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