it was like his penis was on wheels.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
