Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
