Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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