i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize