watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
