Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I came so hard my ears popped.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
