Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
