your parents love me but you hate me
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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