You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
