Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
