My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
