It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
