I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
