Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
