i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
