ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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