you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
