The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
