Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
