Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize