Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
