toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
