cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
