Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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