Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize