I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
