I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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