you guys were way drunker than both of me
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
