My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
