Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
