god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
