you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
