Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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