do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So vagazzling was a success
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
