Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
