If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
