I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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