theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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